Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
You Might Also Like
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
This was a bad idea all around
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL