Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
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Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
road rage
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.