Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
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[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.