Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Is your wife single?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week