establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
You Might Also Like
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!