I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠