Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic