Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Woke up against my better judgment again
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.