I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
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Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Cashiers are always checking me out
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
A bold strategy
This is the best one I’ve seen