best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
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That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
This hospital has everything
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
How your email finds me
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.