I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
CRYING
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.