last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
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Born to be mild.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me