COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
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Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*