Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
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This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Barbie gone wild
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.