Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record