The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.