[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
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[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.