My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
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Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam