Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
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Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Sorry. Not sorry
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I was bored.