Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
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Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.