We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
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football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.