Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
You Might Also Like
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
spicy snake
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]