my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
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Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.