H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
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You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…