It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
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Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.