I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
(Musicians.)
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.