Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
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Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah