Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
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Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
british sex workers really pound for pound
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker