My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
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[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
uncle dave has been through hell
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained