doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
You Might Also Like
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
yea so i messed up lol
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.