Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
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Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Pat is about to own someone
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I need a headline like this
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again