30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
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*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.