“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
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I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.