If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
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Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?