A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
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I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.