me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
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All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Why I divorced her.