A game married people play.
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I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.