Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
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I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.