A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
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Everything reminds me of my ex
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Not helping
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
This is so me 😂😂
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.