GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
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Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.