I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
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Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I love the National Park Service.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.