airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
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After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Who wants to be my Valentine?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”