Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
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person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
the composer
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken