Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
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My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
NASA has no chill