I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
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10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Self-cleaning conscience
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.