if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
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HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
But is it really??
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
bury ourselves
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus