me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
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ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
no one ever comes back
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.