My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
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Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
a public service announcement
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.