“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
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This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
me
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
need him
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.