the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
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If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Basically.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Try and stop me.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school